Well, I'm All Grown Up Now

I might as well rename the blog, "John's OCS Journal". I haven't posted much about myself, so I felt the need to change that tonight. I don't know who reads this blog, considering I only have one follower. Thanks, Mama. :) I don't really care who reads this, because I find this easier to do than actually writing in my journal, as sad as that is. Even this I sometimes feel too lazy to do. It's a good thing I'm not planning to major in English, eh?

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster for me. I like to think I'm pretty good at hiding my emotions, except from the cats. People always misunderstand my expressions, and I've found that the only people who can truly see through me, are the ones that I see most often. John was always good at it, no matter how hard I tried, he can always tell. I always keep my emails, and letters positive to him, which can sometimes be challenging. I have 3 emotions about becoming a Navy spouse. Fear, Excitement, and Insecurity.

Let me explain my fears. I've never had family in the military. I no absolutely nothing about what we're getting ourselves into. Will I be a good, supportive spouse? Will I get so depressed from deployments, that I'll need to be medicated? Will John die on a submarine? How am I going to handle the lack of communication? These are just a few questions that have been running through my mind since John left for OCS. It's slowly been sinking in little by little.

Where's the excitement in all this fear? Lots, actually! It's the exciting things about the military life that keep me going. There's the benefits. Healthcare, dental care, housing, and the travel. I'll be experiencing things that I never really got to experience growing up. I LOVE traveling, and I love seeing new places. I lived in 4 different houses growing up, but they were in the same town. Also, my family was not wealthy growing up. We lived comfortably, and had clothes, and food, all necessities. We didn't have healthcare, I don't think I've ever been to the dentist in my life. I'm serious. So for me, being able to have these things now, when we're about to start a family of our own, just makes me feel good. Being able to live all around the country is very exciting to me. I get tired of living in the same place for too long, so I won't mind living like a gypsy...just a gypsy with health and dental care. These are truly blessings to me. I hate to hear about women who marry a sailor for the benefits. John is already working hard for us, he's the reason we're receiving these wonderful benefits. He's a wonderful man, and husband, and I love him for being such a responsible adult. I'm a blessed woman to have found such a great young man. I thank the Lord each morning and night.

Insecurities. I should have put this paragraph before the previous one, because talking about the pros made me feel really good. Now I have to think about my insecurities. Ech! I have never made friends with women easily. I have a lot of trust issues with them. When I was elementary school, it was easier, and of course I hated boys. Then I became a teenager, and learned that most girls are gossipy, catty little witches. After high school  and when I moved from home, I became friends with more guys. They're more laid-back, and I feel more comfortable with them. Unfortunately, they don't always take your friendship as JUST friendship. After I got married, I was scared! Now I couldn't really be friends with guys anymore. That was a complete no-no. What the heck am I going to do? Well, I've made a few friends now, but I'm still too scared to completely tear down my walls. I'm afraid to open my heart to these ladies. they're really nice too, but I just have horrible trust issues, and they just got worse as of 2 weeks ago. So now, I'm a Navy wife. The other wives are going to be my support system, and I'm extremely terrified. I'm going to be so awkward, they're going to think I'm a complete freak. I pray that I'll find at least one true friend, if that's all, just one in each area we live in.

So lately, this is all just bubbling around in my noggin, and making it super difficult to get a good nights sleep. Which is why I'm up as late as I am. Look at me. so scared to open up to some women, when I have just literally poured out my heart to random strangers on the internet. Maybe I am a complete freak.